Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
