I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I want to fling myself into the sun
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
