when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
