"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
There are leaves in my underwear?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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