i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
