I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
