When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
