dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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