So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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