We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
