someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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