I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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