I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I need to calm my uterus...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
