Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
