woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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