I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
