I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
