She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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