Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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