I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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