I met the friendliest cop last night
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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