At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
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And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
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She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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