I'm so fucking centered right now
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
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On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
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So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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