You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
