At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
