So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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