On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
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It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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