I am midnight drunk by noon
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
