Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
