Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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