so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
