Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
