when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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