my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
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WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
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There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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