I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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