She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
