Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
