You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.