You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
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You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
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Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.