Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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