my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
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Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
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Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence