Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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