Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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