Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
