Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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