I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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