dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
