I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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