I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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