hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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