She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
