Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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