There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
