Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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