i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
