I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Randomize
