I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
