I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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