Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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